September 10, 2009
As you can see, this is from my journal. I really just felt like I should share the entry from 9/6/09 with you for some reason. : )
6 September 2009 Fast Sunday
What a wonderful day today has been! We had a mission conference this morning which was excellent. Sister Smith, the mission president’s wife, gave an excellent talk that was basically about embracing the language, food, culture, and people we are serving. She said that the language we first learn is the language of our hearts. I loved that – it just reminded me why it is I’ve been struggling and studying and striving these past 8 weeks, and it gave me something to hold onto these next 2 weeks as we speak NOTHING BUT MONGOLIAN and in the months to come as I struggle in Mongolian. I keep forgetting that we’re actually GOING and that we’re going in less than 3 weeks!!! It’s always been this distant thing and now it’s actually coming up, and to be honest, it’s scary!
Elder Burns (our district leader) had us read scriptures on diligence that he assigned us earlier this week, and then share today in district meeting what we learned and bear our testimonies.
The scripture I was assigned was Alma 17:10-11. It’s about the sons of Mosiah – they’ve been missionaries for 14 years and they are preparing to go teach the Lamanites and they’ve been fasting and praying (much like I’ve been doing and like we’re doing today as we fast). They’ve been asking the Lord for His spirit to abide with them and go with them as they go forth to preach the gospel “that they might be instruments in the hands of God.”
It says that the Lord “visited them with His spirit and said, ‘Be comforted.’ And they were comforted.” Then the Lord commands them to go among the Lamanites and be patient in their afflictions (and, as we read they will have many); that God will make them “an instrument in [His] hands, unto the salvation of many souls.” And they went forth with COURAGE. I got so emotional reading that today.
Now, this isn’t my study journal, and I’m not going to totally dig into this scripture piece by piece, but I feel like this scripture is such a tender mercy. It is exactly how I feel – I’ve been fasting and praying, and we’re about to leave to go forth among the Mongolians. The Lord has spoken comfort to my heart time and time again.
Just this morning, I was having another morning where I thought I was just fine and all happy and everything, but as we sat and waited for mission conference to begin, I felt the burden of what I’m about to do press heavily on my mind. I just felt overwhelmed, which gave way for doubt and discouragement to sink in. As we began preparing for mission conference by singing the hymns, I felt tears coming to my eyes. Blast those unsolicited tears! We sang, “Jesus, the Very Thought of Thee” and “I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go.” I love both these songs, but I still felt as though the matters worrying me weighed heavily upon me. The worst part was that I didn’t even really know what to pinpoint my stress on – I couldn’t distinguish what the source of my heavy heart was.
But then the Lord gave me a tender mercy. As the meeting began, there was a violin solo by an Elder, accompanied by our Sister Turner. As the sweet music began, my heart softened --- it was the most beautiful arrangement I’ve ever heard of one of my very favorite hymns – “Be Still My Soul.” The song was so beautiful and the spirit just touched me. I pulled out my hymnbook and pondered the words of the hymn as it played. By the time the song was over, my eyes were wet, but my heart was full and my spirit was healed. I knew that the Lord had visited me with His spirit and comforted me and I was comforted. He calmed the stormy sea within my soul: “Peace, Be Still”.
In following the scripture in Alma, I know that many afflictions, trials, and opposition will undoubtedly beset me, especially in the coming weeks and months as I struggle through learning the language, learning how to become a ‘Mongol’ and a missionary, learning how to adapt and forget about myself and really get lost in the work. HOWEVER, I know that the Lord is on my side. I know that this is not at all my work, but His work. I know that if I am long-suffering and patient in afflictions as the sons of Mosiah were, that the Lord will guide me by the hand and mold me into what He needs me and wants me to be. If I am diligent and persevering, I can call on the Lord with faith that I have been obedient and done all that is in my power to do. And then I can be totally confident that the Lord will keep his promises and qualify and sustain me, that He will make me His instrument, perhaps unto the salvation of many souls.
If I am living worthily of the companionship of the Holy Ghost and am diligent and exactly obedient, I can be fearless. I can have complete confidence that God will guide me to those whom He has prepared; that I will be led by the spirit, even if I may not know beforehand the things that I should do.
I hope to follow the excellent example of the sons of Mosiah and to serve his children with all I’ve got. To trust that the Lord will use me as an instrument in his hands.
(Kristen shared her travel itinerary. She will be leaving SLC on Wednesday morning, September 23, flying to Los Angeles, then to Seoul and onto Mongolia. She’ll arrive in Mongolia on the night of September 24.)
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